Nothing

There are things which I cant do anything about... but I just loathe them... and then I start hating people who do them...
I dont want to hate you... but whatever your doing isnt liked by me... so I hate you :p
I shudnt be like this :(

Regrets

for the words unsaid
for the things undone
for the thoughts unspoken
for the love unexpressed 
for the love unaccessible 
for the dreams incomplete
for the times unknown
for the memories unrecorded 
for the lies uncalled for 
for the fights unresolved 
for the tears unabated 
for the smiles uncaught 
for the egos unbent 
for the loneliness unending 
for the relentless ranting 
for the numerous self-abuse  
for the complaints unrecognised 
for the emotions unabridged 
for the questions unanswered 
for the commitment unbound

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…."

Waiting to be heard

I so much hate blogspot for not providing with password protect thing..

I knw no one is listening to me out here..

Also someone isnt listening there either...

There are some events which you want to happen with due course of time..

Not particularly for any reason but then their absence is annoying

I want those events to happen to me too... but then I ask myself why ?

and of-late am not getting the right answer..

I want them for no reason... or may be for not a reason enough.

There are certain things which need to be done... we dont do them

and then time comes when you really really want to do them you realise you missed the starting gun...

The years flew by and now you understand that thing can never be done now.

Like you thought of taking a medicine which was for your good.. you thought you would take it later. and one day in acute pain you thought of taking that medicine.. Eureka! the expiry date just went by... Cant do anything but staring at it long enough!

Something like that ...

What do I do God ?? Please Please Please show up.. No one else seems to be listening :'(

Cat Again

Ruk jana nahin tu kabhi haar ke...

kaato pe chalke mileneg saaye bahar ke...

o rahi o rahi....... o rahi o rahi

Yet again he convinced me to take CAT with full conviction

I dont know but this CAT isnt just getting out of my life... or may be am just hanging on to the rope.

This is the second thing after AJ which is asking me to win over it, by hook or by crook...

I called him up to let him know that on Teachers Day he i been fondly remembered!

Sir said just give me 10 days for math and I know its IIM.

He almost declared that I am a CAT material .

He also informed that last year IIM Shillong based on Profile made a call at 85%le

Now seriously I aint that bad... I can somehow manage 85... if at all I work in the right direction with the right person.

I know English can never let me down. If I can end my rivalry with Math for ones and for all this year, probably things would be very different... Just the way they would have been if that day math attempts by me were more than just 2-3... I wouldnt have been living in the mesh of self-doubt and all these posts wouldnt have been just there. Most importantly I wouldnt have let myself down..

Ones you touch this word CAT, my brain thrashes me for all the things done not-done in past.

I know I had left no stone un-turned that year.
Even my God knows I worked hard, but then may be people around worked harder... I just worked hard enough to enter into some shitty bank.

Every year during this time since then, I browse through net to find the closing dates for CAT and end up buying a chance for myself.

I know that the time when I worked hard then also I couldnt bell the cat, forget this time when I am just so badly out of touch.

But then like every year, I call up "that" person and he instigates it all. He lits up the fire in me ... the guilt or the anger of I may say so of not clearing CAT.

He has asked for just 10 days for Math.

I am going to buy the rest for Eng and reasoning.

I still dont know how but I think if someone has so much confidence on me even after letting him down for so many times, he deserves something better from me this side.

Not for me but yes for you i will give it my better shot.

Thinking..........

At time you like a thing.. you like it very much

and after some time you think why you like it so much

then after thinking you don't like that thing

And after some years you look back and think... "Why did I think ?"

Its so much a vicious circle.

Its good to be workaholic... Abstract things makes my mind go roundabouts..

Thinking too much (or even a lil) is injurious for my health.

Pata nahin kya

Raising doubts over my upbringing my values my morals my entire 24yrs of existence.

Wont say am angry, probably am tooo disappointed ... i fell like giving up... but then how can i... wat am i without them... but then i dont want be like this... I saw the worst version of myself today, in front of my parents. why do i have to fall down to a level from where i just cant rise... I hate myself for behaving like this... but then I am not sorry for what i did today... and the worst part is I have noone to share this with... because that will be unjust...

I feel helpless... I cant avoid this... neither can i live with this.

Running away from this will make me an escapist, which i dont want to be tagged as.

But am not able to find a solution to this. Its been 2 decades, am fighting... and its still on.

The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either.

There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

harbingers !

Met a Self Help Group today... Group of 11 female entrepreneurs.. Simple funda superb earning

Met a team of CA & B.Tech... Upcoming entrepreneurs... again simple funda, superb team

Is this a sign ?

Is this the time to start afresh ?

Has the time to quit come ?

In conversation with Myself

Its been months since I spoke to my bro... :(

Why these things called misunderstanding/expectations/grudges have so much

uncalled-for-presence in my life...

Do I myself allow them to barge in or they jus perpetually been dropped down from sky? However the point is, bro if ever u get your hand on this blog do read the next few words as the purest form of truth ...

"I miss you.. more than anything in this world... I see you in my childhood.. I see u in my future.. but I cant just figure you out in my present... I am a jerk.. I just cant say it but deep down I really want you to know that i need you the most in this world... I am still your younger sis who needs your staunch support and a protective hand to sail me through these times."

Come Soon

Anyway, in a conversation over lunch, my close friend endowed me with some observations.

The first one blatantly said that I have too many "grudges" in my life... May be yes... probably because I think I expect too much out of my life.. but then wats wrong in it? whatever it is, its my life then why not expect ? Something which is probably wrong is that am not working to come upto those expectations

At that time, since the food was super yummy and chilly I couldnt really come up with a suitable answer so I randomly said I have grudges because I planned my life in a certain fashion and trust me God made sure that, that particular fashion is just not followed.

May be I have too many plans / options for my life...

She cut me short and said... u think ur at an age when u can sit with a cup of coffee and just browse through the umpteen options you have, just like a 10th grade student who is confused between taking up math or biology... She might be right... I haven't really moved on in life... I still think too much and want too much.. I cant decide upon a particular thing... be it clothes or work(no food included in this... in that area am so perfect that i can instantly come up with wat-stomach-wants !!!)

I still live in the present and working to make the day well spent, and give a damn to future... May be my approach is just not suiting the present circumstances.... or may be this is indeed the right approach wherein I do things as the come and stop worrying abt a well planned future, because then the entire universe conspires to do just the opposite :)

I need time.. a lot of it... not to think but to act on a thing which I think the most... The thing which I actually want to do not arbitrarily but for years to come.....

Milestone

15/05/2011.... I hereby complete my 2 year probation period at SBI

I am glad that I survived through this :)

Introspection

Here I am ... Lost in the light of the moon.. that comes through my window...

Its almost been an year since we shifted in this house ... in this city...

Its questionable on both ends.... have we really accepted each other? Except for pyaaz ki kachori n gol gappe we really dont have many any things in common.

Jaipur is already topping the charts in terms of temperature...

Being sunday I somehow snatched out some time to sit in my balcony and enjoy the breeze...though its all full of sand, am still somehow finding it soothing ... with the radio next to me which is being kind to me by playing some awesome oldies.

Oflate my family has found their long lost interest in my marriage. They are on spree of finding some suitable guy who is rich (unlike us) qualified (completely unlike me) and Good-looking (now this is totally unlike the entire family) :P... I am letting them finish up their share of search, even when i know that they know and they know that i know that they know :P

Isnt this entire thing be a thing be by my choice/will rather than a forceful decision which one needs to make considering her/his age? Why is that my folks are forcing me to accept the fact that its time to let the wedding bells go ringing rather than me happily declaring my marriage with the person i want to and the time we want to ?

Typical Jain family.

Its Monday tomorrow, again the same mad rush... Running from pillar to post. Not that am back to my rants ... because somehow i have figured out that for me sitting idle is the most disgusting thing for me.. So i chose to go out and do something.... I tried .. tried rally hard to change this organisation in struggle of not being a lost part of the system ... But at the end of the day I find myself failing at every occasion. Ofcourse its useless to expect that a 200 yr old organisation with 2lac employee (mostly with people who have their one leg in grave) will change because of some new bee.

They probably have become hard skinned... and i fear that some day I too will be ... I am hopeful I will be taking my exit interview then.. Its funny that in 24 months of my job i have pages written with full conviction for my exit interview.. I exactly know what all to say/tell/spit.

Previously I somehow convinced myself that its nice to work here, probably because there is so much to do/change figuratively and literally. But then this fear of losing my own identity in this vicious system is constantly banging in my head. I feel completely lost at times.

I certainly wish some change... may be in terms of my company.. the city... probably a weekend getaway before this all swallows me...

I remember this prayer we use to recite in school...

God, Help me to change things I can

Accept things I cannot

and above all the wisdom to differentiate between the two

So help me God !

Man... I hate her so much :P

:)

So you ever feel you’ve become the worst version of urself ?

That the Pandora’s box of all the secret, hateful parts… your arrogance… your spite... your condescension has sprung open.. Some one provokes you .. and instead of smiling and moving on, you ZING them ?

“Hello, its Mr. Nasty”. I am sure you have no idea wat am talking about

No I know what you mean and am completely jealous !

What happens to me when am provoked is that I jus get tongue-tied. My mind goes….. Blank !

And then I spend all night tossing and turing trying to figure out what I should have said.

What should I have said for example to the bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence ?

(thnking)… Nothing…. Nothing even now !

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you

And then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time and we both ‘d be happy.

On the other hand I must warn you, when you finally have the pleasure to say the things you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it remorse inevitably follows

Do you think we should meet ?

………………………………………….

Void

Sometimes I wonder abt my life...

I lead a small life … well, Valuable but small…

So I do it becoz I like it... ? or because I haven’t been brave ?

So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book

When shouldn’t it be another way round ?

I really don’t want an answer, I jus want to send this cosmic question into the void

So good night dear void !

Mere Khayalo ki Mallika !

At times I do miss that Teenage fantasy world...

CLT: Mere khayalo ki Mallika

How things use to revolve around one person... how his every gesture was contemplated as a sign of love..

Things have so much changed since then... Intangibles have altogether evaporated.. How materialist life has become

Missing that Romanticism !

:(

:(