Paradigm Shifts

My perspective towards life is changing.... May be for gud.. My be for bad...

:(

1 up !

3rd November 2010; 10pm... Santro GLS, registered under the name of Sonali Jain.

She declares to be proud of herself after a long long time.

All the ifs n buts conquered, all financials calculated... After facing all the the protests and objection, I am finally here... standing chin-up wid MY CAR ! My long awaited dream.

Thanks God :)

New Chapter :)

He: He smiles and greets me the way as if no words are needed henceforth :)

She: How can someone be soo damn cute. How can she care about me so much. how can she remember my likes and dislikes more than anyone. how can she be such a lovable person

He(2): The only person who can make me happy by fighting. My angel in disguise my soul savior. Finally I know what it is like to have a male sibling (younger).

She(2): Sweetest thing ever... from chocolate boxes to make-up kit... she knows it all.

She (3): Childhood personified and preserved. Smiling and ever making everyone around her smile.

I know am embraced unconditionally :)

Serious Questions!

I spent my entire childhood around this cousin of mine who is 4 yrs younger to me

and i luv her the most... she is one of my favourite childhood memories.

We recently met after a hiatus... She is in college(Final year) now and am in Job...

Things have changed... perceptions have... But we still love each other a lot.

Only Difference is now am a lil protective a lil supportive a lil strict a lil pally...

Oflate over a session of Breezer (for the fist time I had Alcohol with my "younger" sis...

Weird feeling which i can never ever explain) she asked me some serious questions

Since I give a lot of space n freedom she was OK wid sharing her queries abt love life and sex with me.

Questions:

She: Guddu didi .. Is it OK to be in a relationship for fun with no strings attached !!

Me: Shocked !

She : Guddu Didi... Is It OK to fool around with multiple guys at a time !!

Me: More Shocked

She: Guduu Didi... Is It OK to Loose ones Virginity before Marriage !!!!

Me: Fainted

I dont remember wat all I said... but yes one thing I repeated for quite a number of time ..

"Dont get caught" :)

Has the generation moved tooo ahead of my times and thinking ?

I was glad that atleast she considered me good enough to be candid in asking such questions ..

But somehow I was so nervous in answering them all..

Umpteen Questions were crossing my mind ..

Am I giving her the right advice? Is it right on my part to give her this much freedom?

Am I acting cool or I actually am?

Should I not tell her to do not to do such things at all and be a hypocrite ?

Wat if she takes all this in a wrong sense and go on a shitty path in her life...

I dont know how she is interpreting all wat gyan i gave her..

But I hope I sent the right virtues across..

No matter wat I wont be able to live with the guilt that I acted as a catalyst ones in her wrong doing

I love her the most ... I am just praying that She stays fine :)

To My Daughter .. with all my love :)

Dear My Sweetest Heart :)

Meri aakhon ka tara mere budhape ka sahara :)

I do feel that this idea is weird to its core to write you so early. I dont know when will you be reading this how will you get through this .... but one thing am sure of.. one day you Will read this and hence am writing.

I am 24.. running close to 25.. when you read this probably you ll be around the same age... a lil cranky a lil moody.. a lil chirpy a lil sloppy.. a lil weird a lil unpredictable. But I know you will be my Happy child.

We always wished you to have a name .. Veralika ? Do you really have it ? like it ?

I dont know if you ll bear the characteristics of your father or of mine, but yes you will always be unique..

Dont try to imitate anyone.. because you are gifted in your own special ways.. which of course will be hidden for the due course of time.

Do you like Biology the way I do? Do you get bewildered by the very thought of Physics? Do you like to paint? Do you how your parents met? Do you like to keep a low profile or a loud ones like me ?

I hope u stay a happy child.. Hope we share a great chemistry.

The point of writing this letter to you is that you get to know "this" me and not "that" me which i might be that time. I dont know what parenting means by far ... So i wish to tell you more about me.. i want you to know what i think what i believe in and what all ideals i have preserved for you. I do not wish to plug them onto you ... But i want just want you to meet me...

Right now am at a stage when the world becomes meaningless ... things take their own shape and am trying to change them according to my whims. I get aggressive I get annoying.. I get unbashingly argumentative i get bewildered.... i get silly but above all I still hang on to the real me.. I dont put any facade, even if am not liked by the community as a whole

I want to do so many things with life .. one day i wish to study and the other moment I feel like going on an extended vacation ... all alone .. finding the real meaning of my existence.

I want to change the world... i want to bring in new meanings to the teaching arena of the country... but for now am stuck....at a filthy job...

This point of life.. makes me so strong on my convictions that at times world (read ur grand mom n dad) seems an enemy to me..

I get freaked out at their silly thoughts of setting me off with any tom dick n harry...

By the way.. they are not quite fond of your dad ... but eventually they will... as much as you will be... :)

I fight a lot with my parents... Its normal... We are going through a rough patch...

May be we will fight with the same vigor but I assure you no matter how big the fight is I will try to mend my ways :)

There are so many things I wish you should know about me... no matter they ll be trivial by the time you read this... still They are special to me

I wont give you any gyan here... because i know i shall rear you to be a mature, elegant and an idealistic lady

But yes some piece of advice... This is here because I know considering my memory I will forget all these vices and might end up boring you with my age-old thoughts

Always Remember the day which passes away never comes back... Look at yourself in the mirror and ask what did you do today to change you life for better or even for that matter someone else's life..

Be proud of yourself... Dont bear any guilt... just like your father... Do everything under the sun to get things done so that there isnt any regret... I tried my best to live a regret-free life but I couldnt

No matter what world throws at you.. take it up wid chin up attitude.. Dont ever Budge for something u know is wrong.. Be brave.. and speak your mind.. no matter how bitter it is

Stick to the difference between white and black... never .. ever go in shades of grey.. they are always perplexing.

I hope that wid "us" around, you will never fall short of words and numbers... Yes Promise we wont force it onto u.

Happiness always starts from within.. so if u want to see us happy remain happy

Try reasoning out things... the one thing i lack in myself...

I dont expect you to be super ambitious or career-oriented.. But yes Do what you think will make you happy for decades to come and not for arbitrary pleasures (such a societal pressure of being a doc or engg)

Do you Pray the way I do? Do you believe in God ? I have no clue at your time what view world will take of this entity called God..

I wish you could... So that you know that there is someone who rests by your side when the world stands against you .

Dont ever try to mould the way people would like to see you... U have your own identity and its Superb... Trust me

One gift you should give to yourself... A best Friend ... I had them in plenty and thus my life was a beautiful frame of naughtiness and playfullness... They will be the one who will play a major role in developing the way you think the way to take things

Though I dont expect you to be a nerd ... but try getting one thing done... Get yourself admitted to a superb degree college... Thats the place which will actually give dimensions to your personality... whatever you will be in future will be all because of your alma mater

Do watch the movie Pursuit of Happyness..

Do you Blog ? Do I know ?

Never ever think from your mind or heart alone... its the Gut feeling which will sail you through.

Always take opinion but frame your own because thats the thing which is yours.

Dream Big... Never stop yourself from aiming high ... Trust me without a dream you will see your life going on a plateau when you know you live the rocks

Enjoy each day like it’s the last one you’ll live. Is this saying still a cliché?

One day you will meet a guy you will fall in love with... or probably you mite have already ... I know and understand its the bestest feeling in the world to be loved by someone you love with all your heart.. How did it feel when you guys confronted ? for me it was super silly... Do ask me about it ..

And yes for now I agree .. love do happens multiple times in a single life span (opinions are subjected to change with time)

Always love Us and our parents ... am sure no matter how un-understanding we guys get but we will love you with all our heart :)

Listen Kid ...I love you.... By far I havent seen you .. it seems am writing this all to myself

Is it like a selfish letter ? In a way.. may be .. but trust me... I am letting my heart out to you...

Keep Smiling and Stay Happy ... Life is just about this

Move On....

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

yes this is exactly wats happening to each n everyday of my mere existence...Its like i dont knw wat am actually living for... or am here jus because am waiting for something better to come my way... yes am waiting but not taking any effort... and even when i feel like taking any effort i dont understand in which direction i wish to move in...

1 moment i feel like staying back with my stagnating job.. and other moment i feel like breaking free and doing something else.. here something refers to like million of things

You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way

Yes i fritter.. my day my night into something i can never comprehend..

am jus wishing for my life to turn upside down...

At times i feel I am left with no motive no zeal in life... The only thing I can see is living with a person i want to... Its like then my actual life will start.. the i ll be able to look beyond..

Considering the Maslow's need hierarchy theory.. am at a stage called Security : where Security has a lil twisted meaning.. for me i need to get secured from one end and that is living with the person i wish to in city i wish to.. then in actual sense my mind will start rolling..

here am not justifying that this is a right attitude.. hell not... But i think its not totally unjustifiable.. The point is I wish to achieve something.. that aim should be unconditional.. if my entire motivation of doing something better with my life is depending on jus one happening then something is seriously wrong...

I waste hours n hours in a job which is a non-value-addition job.. which i knw am not doing by my will... waste hours talking to people thinking that may be talking to someone mite help me striking the bulls eye...
then after a while I realise all these solutions come from within... No other soul can help me tackle this... Then this guilt arrives of wasting hours n hours with nonsensical things and not doing what i should

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Jus strolling around the same thoughts... same .....things which mite make sense to me

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

heck ! why this itch is there in my mind that "someone ... something".. Why am i unable to help myself ? why am i so dependent on external elements to help me out with my own psyche issues ? The answer has to come from within and I know one day when this thought will Travel from my heart to my mind... i will muster up the courage to Break-Free... That will be the time when I will use up all my abilites to work for "that" thing and i know it will be right and it will be mine

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

The phase has gone when things were going eay with me ... But i certainly wish the non-serious life to come back... life at my home town (bhopal) life with my frenz life with colours with rains life with games with festivals with innocence .. life which had much more substance ... which had the spark of living the brightness... life with an aim life with a GOAL... no matter achievable or not.. but but belief of winning and not fear of losing !

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

at 24 Do i feel young ? or do i feel i have lived too much ... or the fact that i have lived too much in other's way.... or am i lost in the process.. the real me is lost... Have I given up on life Or Am still carrying that killers instinct to fight against all odds?

This is the time when i can actually have all the liberties to change my "entire" coming life.. Seems I am rather killing my time in thinking rather than doing... Does this happens to everyone or am being too weird for this planet ? After an year I succeeded in figuring out wat i "dont" want outta my life... but dont know wat I actually want.. and if this question continues to persists then I am not doing justice to myself

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run,

you missed the starting gun…

I certainly dont want these lines to come to... common who would

But am scared... considering the pace am going with n the useless approach am having

I know that things cant go awfully wrong with me ... I will make it through

But i need to fasten my pace ... pull up my socks now.. I need to actually "do" things rather than jus thinking about them.....

My life cant stop because jus few things are taking time to happen... They will eventually happen... but till the i need to pack my bags and RUN... before i miss the starting gun

Lost

Why is it that a remote part of me is sad/depressed/disappointed when I see someone scaling up in life/career ?

Why cant I change that unhappiness into efforts for scaling upto my so-called-good levels?

Its nice that I am un/dis-satisfied with myself but then where in the process I have lost all faith in my abilities to get things the way I WANT ?

Where is it ?

Give Up sa ho gaya hai

Things to Notice

At times even trivial happenings give a totally different dimension to ones thinking..

Even with family... things are pretty complicated... forget about the outsiders

No matter how fast you run your past will always catch you

Its complicated

Its sick to be misunderstood by the people who know your intentions to their best ...

Lately its happening to me for quite a bundle of times.. I am not saying that I havent ever misunderstood someone.. but yeah I agree it sucks when you are on the opposite end.

Not every word is Meant to be taken by its face value or its literal meaning...

This gives me just one lesson... If my words are being taken in the wrong sense and hurting someone.. its better to keep shut n keep those things to myself.. even if this calls for restricting my freedom of speech.

I just wish after a while they ll understand what I actually meant

Going to the next topic, its never ever right to get dependent one someone to such an extent that my world ends as soon as he/she is out of the scene... this not only makes me helpless but also cages the other person. he/she might feel that am trying to pull him/her from his/her world just to complete mine... this might also exclusively go upto myself being tagged as a selfish person.... a small mistake with huge consequences..

PS: I sincerely apologize to the people I have been hurting oflate..

All i wanted is a lil time ... a lil weekend together ... and the time I look forward to everyday of the week

Secondly Never Make Weekend Plans in Prior... hell breaks lose when they go awry

I miss home ... I miss Mom & Dad. Eventually I have realised that no matter what & no matter whom.. they are the one who cares the most about me ... who wait for my call every morning and every evening, who are still worried to the same extent as they were when I had my first train journey all by myself, who reminds me of every occasion early in the morning, who knows the best medicine suited for me for every ailment, who call me every time they eat my fav fooda... above all the one who loves me the most...

Its enuf of living like a nomadic Zombie... Its time to get back home...

I demand Change

I wish to Change... Quite a lot

Coz if you cant change people around you, then its a safer option to change yourself ..

So am doing just the same

Cheers !

Introspection time ... !!

I miss those days when it was so easy for me to pen down my thoughts... It never needed an extra effort... tempo or watever...
Things change bigtime ones your employed... Not only Your vision mission values n blah blah... but mainly your Attitude..
But one thing that changes too much(and not for so gud) or infact I shud say is lost is... Vitality.. Spark..!!

And it seems that like any other employed person it is happening to me too.
I suddenly feel that the urge to do new things, the will to make things better around me is on its verge of extinction.
I stll rejoice doing things which make me happy... But as I said earlier I no more muster the tempo, the kick-strt...

Things like first n foremost Blogging, Reading newspaper (am happy I still manage reading some novels), taking a stroll all by myself, making cartoons(I was ones too good with it... My Secret Box still has those sketches i made during school time), learning new words, Reading my MBA text books (I sincerely use to atleast read them. if not mugging them), Keeping my room funky n full of life....

Everything seems so lost

Considering the level of stability in my life no one can predict the turmoil going inside... not even my own self.. Only when I sit alone in the DTC bus on my way to office or back home and look outside the window I realise that I am losing myself.. The real me... the actual me ...


Everything is perfect... I now have a decent job, Modest Salary, Non-Bickering PG wali aunty, Oldie-but-safe Bosses, My sense organs working at optimum level, My stomach getting pecks of good food every weekend, My marriage has been delayed for unknown years, My family jubilant with the arrival of the cutest child in the world and aove all, I finally have "us"

But that Void persists and Its kind of choking me from inside.., May be I am expecting too much outta my life... but then why not? its above all my life... I wont get even a second of it back, ot a second chance to set things right.


I certainly do not wish that my complacency overshadows those small lil things which actually constitutes a large part of my life... infact a large part of my happy life...


I wont make any resolution to set things right from 12 midnite... But yes every day I will take requiste baby-steps towards getting those perfect participles back in my abstract life so that i can add an adjective before every noun n an adverb before every verb so as to get the most meaningful composition..


PS: Writing everything in head do wonders to my cognitive process of self actualization :)