I remember a scene of the movie "Rangeela" where in Amir Khan in a hopeless effort of trying to propose a girl emphasizes on "Life mein na settle ho jane maangta hai... Life settle hogi toh sab settle ho jayega !"
With the deepest regret I hate this settling thing now.. This is actually unsettling, bewildering and above all amazingly kiboshing.
Its been so so soo many months after my last blog about life and the happenings around.
Probably after her demise I fear to introspect.. Probably I will then again go back into the same stage where I found myself absolutely lost after her. So in a way I keep reminding myself not to remind myself of something which needs to be forgotten.
People thing stability is the best things that could happen to one's life. In my case its totally opposite. I am hating the stability which this sarkari naukri is bringing in my life. I seriously want something unnerving always to happen which helps to me to look forward in life. Right now practically I have nothing to look forward to except for things like "Maj Joginder Singh needs his loan sanctioned on monday, Rangoli Garden builders have their meetings lined up with me, Sarita soni is shouting at the top of her voice for immediate disbursement and Ram Nath singh is waiting for his Pre sanction survey!!!"
These things forming a major part of my attention span primarily due to my giving 12 hrs to a job which demands only 9.. I dont feel like leaving the premises of the office untill my branch manager gives me an ultimatum to get the hell out of there as he too needs to go back home.
And probably there lies the difference... He wants to go Home !
I wont go into the "why details" of the above statement, but would just say that after a while relationships can only be made nice and b'ful by staying apart. There comes an age when you just cant keep up with personalities you have lived with for 23yrs of your existence.
Latest development being my first cousin 2 yrs younger to me getting MARRIED!
Now this is kind of an achievement in Jaipur.. This entire marriage thing. Esp when in the entire generation your the only one who couldnt find a suitable match for yourself and your parents did it for you. There you stand chin up and proud executor of an arranged marriage. People look up to you as an example for their childer, who are probably dating girls since even before their puberty ! So here stand my cousin sister will all the panegyrics by her name and character.
Now all aunties would come to her parents and say "Bahut khuuuushi hui sunke... Magar aap apni badi beti
(that is me) ke liye kuch kyu nahin kar rahe... ??"
Almost my entire family is facing the exact same question from different uncles n aunties in the town.
So one fine day they blast at me with the same question and vigor !
And there I stand with my head hung !
I dont understand why going for an arranged marriage a thing to be proud of... It simply means that you are so desperate to get laid that whatever crap your parents put in front of you, you say a yes and get on with the thing. And people come congratulating which precisely means "Congratulations Mrs. XXXXX, your daughter has agreed to sleep with a guy of your choice... You must be so proud !" Damn you
I am sorry Mom Dad, I wont be giving you such pleasure !
Even after seeing the most disgusting things, I am still not totally against the institution of marriage. I do wish to get into this some day, so that firstly I dont have to lie to my parents abt useless 2 days training and friend's marriage.
Its a good thing to happen. I will be able to live life on my terms and with the person I love the most in the world. I want to be with him, wake him up in mornings, see his face before I see this moronic world. Make him eat the healthiest food, make a livable life with a good house and nice curtains ;). I miss him, I miss being with him. I lived the best moments of my life back then.
But I am not of the thought that this should happen ASAP. All good things take time to happen. Why cant we just roll with the time and stay at ease.
One of the biggest mistakes I did in my life was to get myself posted in Jaipur. My all miseries start with the fact that I am not living separately. I might have felt alone, but at the end of the day I would have been able to do things as per my whims. I wouldn't have been lying so much. Lying gives me migraine !
I am trying to get in touch with my friends. For a while I did slip into a non-interacting state, but now I need to get things back. Because I know, they are the only ones who have all the power to get me out of the deepest shit.
I miss Bhopal. I miss my life back then so much. I dont like this city Jaipur, I dont like the people here. I seem to be a changed person here. I use to be a happy child. Now I rant so much. I get stubborn with things I get angry over pity issues and I am not happy here. I dont like the way I have become. I want the old happy me. But I know this wont be possible in this city with these people around. Day and night I pray to God to get me transferred to some place closer to him. I hope he is listening and watching..
Thats all for this time I guess...I am signing off with a hope that my next post will be a happier one :)
Cya !
With the deepest regret I hate this settling thing now.. This is actually unsettling, bewildering and above all amazingly kiboshing.
Its been so so soo many months after my last blog about life and the happenings around.
Probably after her demise I fear to introspect.. Probably I will then again go back into the same stage where I found myself absolutely lost after her. So in a way I keep reminding myself not to remind myself of something which needs to be forgotten.
People thing stability is the best things that could happen to one's life. In my case its totally opposite. I am hating the stability which this sarkari naukri is bringing in my life. I seriously want something unnerving always to happen which helps to me to look forward in life. Right now practically I have nothing to look forward to except for things like "Maj Joginder Singh needs his loan sanctioned on monday, Rangoli Garden builders have their meetings lined up with me, Sarita soni is shouting at the top of her voice for immediate disbursement and Ram Nath singh is waiting for his Pre sanction survey!!!"
These things forming a major part of my attention span primarily due to my giving 12 hrs to a job which demands only 9.. I dont feel like leaving the premises of the office untill my branch manager gives me an ultimatum to get the hell out of there as he too needs to go back home.
And probably there lies the difference... He wants to go Home !
I wont go into the "why details" of the above statement, but would just say that after a while relationships can only be made nice and b'ful by staying apart. There comes an age when you just cant keep up with personalities you have lived with for 23yrs of your existence.
Latest development being my first cousin 2 yrs younger to me getting MARRIED!
Now this is kind of an achievement in Jaipur.. This entire marriage thing. Esp when in the entire generation your the only one who couldnt find a suitable match for yourself and your parents did it for you. There you stand chin up and proud executor of an arranged marriage. People look up to you as an example for their childer, who are probably dating girls since even before their puberty ! So here stand my cousin sister will all the panegyrics by her name and character.
Now all aunties would come to her parents and say "Bahut khuuuushi hui sunke... Magar aap apni badi beti
(that is me) ke liye kuch kyu nahin kar rahe... ??"
Almost my entire family is facing the exact same question from different uncles n aunties in the town.
So one fine day they blast at me with the same question and vigor !
And there I stand with my head hung !
I dont understand why going for an arranged marriage a thing to be proud of... It simply means that you are so desperate to get laid that whatever crap your parents put in front of you, you say a yes and get on with the thing. And people come congratulating which precisely means "Congratulations Mrs. XXXXX, your daughter has agreed to sleep with a guy of your choice... You must be so proud !" Damn you
I am sorry Mom Dad, I wont be giving you such pleasure !
Even after seeing the most disgusting things, I am still not totally against the institution of marriage. I do wish to get into this some day, so that firstly I dont have to lie to my parents abt useless 2 days training and friend's marriage.
Its a good thing to happen. I will be able to live life on my terms and with the person I love the most in the world. I want to be with him, wake him up in mornings, see his face before I see this moronic world. Make him eat the healthiest food, make a livable life with a good house and nice curtains ;). I miss him, I miss being with him. I lived the best moments of my life back then.
But I am not of the thought that this should happen ASAP. All good things take time to happen. Why cant we just roll with the time and stay at ease.
One of the biggest mistakes I did in my life was to get myself posted in Jaipur. My all miseries start with the fact that I am not living separately. I might have felt alone, but at the end of the day I would have been able to do things as per my whims. I wouldn't have been lying so much. Lying gives me migraine !
I am trying to get in touch with my friends. For a while I did slip into a non-interacting state, but now I need to get things back. Because I know, they are the only ones who have all the power to get me out of the deepest shit.
I miss Bhopal. I miss my life back then so much. I dont like this city Jaipur, I dont like the people here. I seem to be a changed person here. I use to be a happy child. Now I rant so much. I get stubborn with things I get angry over pity issues and I am not happy here. I dont like the way I have become. I want the old happy me. But I know this wont be possible in this city with these people around. Day and night I pray to God to get me transferred to some place closer to him. I hope he is listening and watching..
Thats all for this time I guess...I am signing off with a hope that my next post will be a happier one :)
Cya !
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