Nothing

There are things which I cant do anything about... but I just loathe them... and then I start hating people who do them...
I dont want to hate you... but whatever your doing isnt liked by me... so I hate you :p
I shudnt be like this :(

Regrets

for the words unsaid
for the things undone
for the thoughts unspoken
for the love unexpressed 
for the love unaccessible 
for the dreams incomplete
for the times unknown
for the memories unrecorded 
for the lies uncalled for 
for the fights unresolved 
for the tears unabated 
for the smiles uncaught 
for the egos unbent 
for the loneliness unending 
for the relentless ranting 
for the numerous self-abuse  
for the complaints unrecognised 
for the emotions unabridged 
for the questions unanswered 
for the commitment unbound

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…."

Waiting to be heard

I so much hate blogspot for not providing with password protect thing..

I knw no one is listening to me out here..

Also someone isnt listening there either...

There are some events which you want to happen with due course of time..

Not particularly for any reason but then their absence is annoying

I want those events to happen to me too... but then I ask myself why ?

and of-late am not getting the right answer..

I want them for no reason... or may be for not a reason enough.

There are certain things which need to be done... we dont do them

and then time comes when you really really want to do them you realise you missed the starting gun...

The years flew by and now you understand that thing can never be done now.

Like you thought of taking a medicine which was for your good.. you thought you would take it later. and one day in acute pain you thought of taking that medicine.. Eureka! the expiry date just went by... Cant do anything but staring at it long enough!

Something like that ...

What do I do God ?? Please Please Please show up.. No one else seems to be listening :'(

Cat Again

Ruk jana nahin tu kabhi haar ke...

kaato pe chalke mileneg saaye bahar ke...

o rahi o rahi....... o rahi o rahi

Yet again he convinced me to take CAT with full conviction

I dont know but this CAT isnt just getting out of my life... or may be am just hanging on to the rope.

This is the second thing after AJ which is asking me to win over it, by hook or by crook...

I called him up to let him know that on Teachers Day he i been fondly remembered!

Sir said just give me 10 days for math and I know its IIM.

He almost declared that I am a CAT material .

He also informed that last year IIM Shillong based on Profile made a call at 85%le

Now seriously I aint that bad... I can somehow manage 85... if at all I work in the right direction with the right person.

I know English can never let me down. If I can end my rivalry with Math for ones and for all this year, probably things would be very different... Just the way they would have been if that day math attempts by me were more than just 2-3... I wouldnt have been living in the mesh of self-doubt and all these posts wouldnt have been just there. Most importantly I wouldnt have let myself down..

Ones you touch this word CAT, my brain thrashes me for all the things done not-done in past.

I know I had left no stone un-turned that year.
Even my God knows I worked hard, but then may be people around worked harder... I just worked hard enough to enter into some shitty bank.

Every year during this time since then, I browse through net to find the closing dates for CAT and end up buying a chance for myself.

I know that the time when I worked hard then also I couldnt bell the cat, forget this time when I am just so badly out of touch.

But then like every year, I call up "that" person and he instigates it all. He lits up the fire in me ... the guilt or the anger of I may say so of not clearing CAT.

He has asked for just 10 days for Math.

I am going to buy the rest for Eng and reasoning.

I still dont know how but I think if someone has so much confidence on me even after letting him down for so many times, he deserves something better from me this side.

Not for me but yes for you i will give it my better shot.

Thinking..........

At time you like a thing.. you like it very much

and after some time you think why you like it so much

then after thinking you don't like that thing

And after some years you look back and think... "Why did I think ?"

Its so much a vicious circle.

Its good to be workaholic... Abstract things makes my mind go roundabouts..

Thinking too much (or even a lil) is injurious for my health.

Pata nahin kya

Raising doubts over my upbringing my values my morals my entire 24yrs of existence.

Wont say am angry, probably am tooo disappointed ... i fell like giving up... but then how can i... wat am i without them... but then i dont want be like this... I saw the worst version of myself today, in front of my parents. why do i have to fall down to a level from where i just cant rise... I hate myself for behaving like this... but then I am not sorry for what i did today... and the worst part is I have noone to share this with... because that will be unjust...

I feel helpless... I cant avoid this... neither can i live with this.

Running away from this will make me an escapist, which i dont want to be tagged as.

But am not able to find a solution to this. Its been 2 decades, am fighting... and its still on.