Cat Again

Ruk jana nahin tu kabhi haar ke...

kaato pe chalke mileneg saaye bahar ke...

o rahi o rahi....... o rahi o rahi

Yet again he convinced me to take CAT with full conviction

I dont know but this CAT isnt just getting out of my life... or may be am just hanging on to the rope.

This is the second thing after AJ which is asking me to win over it, by hook or by crook...

I called him up to let him know that on Teachers Day he i been fondly remembered!

Sir said just give me 10 days for math and I know its IIM.

He almost declared that I am a CAT material .

He also informed that last year IIM Shillong based on Profile made a call at 85%le

Now seriously I aint that bad... I can somehow manage 85... if at all I work in the right direction with the right person.

I know English can never let me down. If I can end my rivalry with Math for ones and for all this year, probably things would be very different... Just the way they would have been if that day math attempts by me were more than just 2-3... I wouldnt have been living in the mesh of self-doubt and all these posts wouldnt have been just there. Most importantly I wouldnt have let myself down..

Ones you touch this word CAT, my brain thrashes me for all the things done not-done in past.

I know I had left no stone un-turned that year.
Even my God knows I worked hard, but then may be people around worked harder... I just worked hard enough to enter into some shitty bank.

Every year during this time since then, I browse through net to find the closing dates for CAT and end up buying a chance for myself.

I know that the time when I worked hard then also I couldnt bell the cat, forget this time when I am just so badly out of touch.

But then like every year, I call up "that" person and he instigates it all. He lits up the fire in me ... the guilt or the anger of I may say so of not clearing CAT.

He has asked for just 10 days for Math.

I am going to buy the rest for Eng and reasoning.

I still dont know how but I think if someone has so much confidence on me even after letting him down for so many times, he deserves something better from me this side.

Not for me but yes for you i will give it my better shot.

Thinking..........

At time you like a thing.. you like it very much

and after some time you think why you like it so much

then after thinking you don't like that thing

And after some years you look back and think... "Why did I think ?"

Its so much a vicious circle.

Its good to be workaholic... Abstract things makes my mind go roundabouts..

Thinking too much (or even a lil) is injurious for my health.

Pata nahin kya

Raising doubts over my upbringing my values my morals my entire 24yrs of existence.

Wont say am angry, probably am tooo disappointed ... i fell like giving up... but then how can i... wat am i without them... but then i dont want be like this... I saw the worst version of myself today, in front of my parents. why do i have to fall down to a level from where i just cant rise... I hate myself for behaving like this... but then I am not sorry for what i did today... and the worst part is I have noone to share this with... because that will be unjust...

I feel helpless... I cant avoid this... neither can i live with this.

Running away from this will make me an escapist, which i dont want to be tagged as.

But am not able to find a solution to this. Its been 2 decades, am fighting... and its still on.

The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either.

There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

harbingers !

Met a Self Help Group today... Group of 11 female entrepreneurs.. Simple funda superb earning

Met a team of CA & B.Tech... Upcoming entrepreneurs... again simple funda, superb team

Is this a sign ?

Is this the time to start afresh ?

Has the time to quit come ?

In conversation with Myself

Its been months since I spoke to my bro... :(

Why these things called misunderstanding/expectations/grudges have so much

uncalled-for-presence in my life...

Do I myself allow them to barge in or they jus perpetually been dropped down from sky? However the point is, bro if ever u get your hand on this blog do read the next few words as the purest form of truth ...

"I miss you.. more than anything in this world... I see you in my childhood.. I see u in my future.. but I cant just figure you out in my present... I am a jerk.. I just cant say it but deep down I really want you to know that i need you the most in this world... I am still your younger sis who needs your staunch support and a protective hand to sail me through these times."

Come Soon

Anyway, in a conversation over lunch, my close friend endowed me with some observations.

The first one blatantly said that I have too many "grudges" in my life... May be yes... probably because I think I expect too much out of my life.. but then wats wrong in it? whatever it is, its my life then why not expect ? Something which is probably wrong is that am not working to come upto those expectations

At that time, since the food was super yummy and chilly I couldnt really come up with a suitable answer so I randomly said I have grudges because I planned my life in a certain fashion and trust me God made sure that, that particular fashion is just not followed.

May be I have too many plans / options for my life...

She cut me short and said... u think ur at an age when u can sit with a cup of coffee and just browse through the umpteen options you have, just like a 10th grade student who is confused between taking up math or biology... She might be right... I haven't really moved on in life... I still think too much and want too much.. I cant decide upon a particular thing... be it clothes or work(no food included in this... in that area am so perfect that i can instantly come up with wat-stomach-wants !!!)

I still live in the present and working to make the day well spent, and give a damn to future... May be my approach is just not suiting the present circumstances.... or may be this is indeed the right approach wherein I do things as the come and stop worrying abt a well planned future, because then the entire universe conspires to do just the opposite :)

I need time.. a lot of it... not to think but to act on a thing which I think the most... The thing which I actually want to do not arbitrarily but for years to come.....

Milestone

15/05/2011.... I hereby complete my 2 year probation period at SBI

I am glad that I survived through this :)