Decision time !

The date was January 18th, 2017 when the much awaited thing happened. Yes... I resigned.... Not quit... but resigned.  I dont like this "quit" term.

From the longest time I remember, this was the ultimate thing I always challenged myself for.
The set of circumstances, people around in my office and a blank future gave me the perfect mix of courage to take this step.

Even during the 3 months of notice period, people in my office were pretty sure that I will take my resignation back. What do they think about resignation? Some kind of a joke.

I got hilarious reactions out there at my office where people have witnessed "resignation" for the first and probably the last time in their careers:

- Chalo abhi tak retirement dekha tha ... ab resignation bhi dekh liya
- Resignation ki policy hai bank mein?
- SBI kaun *&^%$#@ chorrta hai
- She must be just a Joking!!

Nonetheless, this wasnt an easy decision. I had my share of sleepless nights, butterflies tormenting my stomach, long conversations with people etc etc.
But in the end only two things helped me sail through this...
1) His staunch support and a strong belief in doing what you like.
2) My once-upon-a-time boss's statement "not taking a risk is the biggest risk in life", Sonali. So just go ahead!

Nothing and no one else then mattered. The incidences which happened in the past 2 years in my Gurgaon Office, those moron faced seniors, that full of negativity environment and above all that surety of a bleak future made this decision easy for me.

Looking back, I dont know how I survived through those last 2 years. But then, only because of what I learnt (all by myself) in those 2 years I got this new assignment.

So its simple, if God puts you in a difficult situation, make the most out of it and Get Out of it.

In years to come, I might face a lot of challenges with this decision. But at least I will not regret not taking a decision at all. At least I tried to make things better for myself in future, at least I gave myself a chance!

Thanks You God for making me courageous enough to bring about this paradigm shift. This time, its all about feeling proud of my own self and not letting myself down. It is my decision and I will show the world that I dont regret it a bit. I want be the success story for all those who are stuck with my previous organisation just in name of security and safety. So help me God.

In the end, there are no right or wrong decisions. They are just decisions. Its upto you whether you make them right or wrong.

This time I am going to make them fuckin' right !

The dream summer holiday Part 1: Visa ki Kahaani

"Okay, so 5th & 6th are the dates for the finger print scanning & the interview.Prepare your documents well in time", he said.
I took a deep breath and took this first step of my journey of 7844 miles.
From birth certificate to my latest marriage certificate, I collected everything along with my much-organised dad. As per him, every individual should at least have 10 sets of all the life-certificates and that too handy.. With his constant annoyance towards my ill-organized documents, it was an herculean task to get it all done.
As per my upbringing, I reached the visa office 1.5hrs prior. With nothing to do,I found an uptown restaurant to have my all time fav breakfast of cheese omelette.
After almost 60 min to standing outside the US embassy in the scorching heat of Delhi, my entire make up faded, my sunscreen gave up and my ironed clothes were all drenched in sweat. So if they were to give visa on basis of appearance, I hardly stood a chance.
Inside, I could see already 4 rejections right in front of my eyes. Chill ran down my spine.
Then came the final interrogation.
He: "Purpose of your visit"
Me: Tourism
He: Where in US
Me: SF, San Diego, LA Disney...
He: Thats it, thats it
He: Have you ever been outside India
Me: No (who ever had the money)
He: What do you do
Me: I work with SBI, Govt Bank as Dy Manager ( The bullshit job)
He: Where in India do you live
Me: Jaipur
He: With?
Me: In laws
He: Whose property is that
Me: (Going breathless by now) My FIL's
He: Do you have any property
Me: Yes
He: How long will you be staying there
Me: (Lying... )Till May
He: Why is your husband there
Me: (With drying throat) Conference
He: Show me his VISA
He: Okay.. Your visa has been approved for 10 years.
Me: BCCCCCCCCCCCCC.
It felt as if I cleared the toughest viva of my life.
I could see the American Dream coming true. The biggest hurdle has been crossed and there seems to be no stopping by.
That night was elaborately celebrated with bhai-bhabhi's.
With no wait, I booked my tickets to The US of A for 21st of April.
And this is how the story begins... from Visa to Videsh.
See you in the next post with more of the unusual stuff about the life, the trip

Stay together Stay foolish

I am not exactly in the right mood of blogging, but for now I don't see any better option to understand what I am upto and what things are upon me. In my last post, I made a statement which goes like this after a while relationships can only be made nice and b'ful by staying apart. Now I realise that it so was so damn true. People say long distance relationship doesn't work.. In my case, its the distance which is keeping the relationship go. 

Till yesterday I always wondered why people have this "Space" issue between each other. I thought that if they are in love they are meant to stay together and with each other... Then how can the space thing crop up at point of time. 

Being in love and staying together are two very different things. You can stay with a person and not be in love and you can love a person but staying together may not click !

After my last trip at his place, I realised quite a few things. One of them is after 3 days of being with each other day in n day out, things get messed up. The other person has had so much of you that he needs his space. He starts missing out on his own time. Previously, departures use to be sad and heart wrenching. Now, they are awaited. You look upto them as you have things lined up in your mind you have to do once the other person is gone. The point is probably, they are too much habitual of their routine that they cannot get comfortable without their schedule after a couple of days. They get this irking urge to get back to the lined up things.

At this point of time if the other person isnt actually thinking on similar lines, he/she is royally screwed. Not only he/she feels like a complete piece of shit, on feels taken for granted and that he/she is just not needed after like 72hrs. Their presence 

gets annoying for the other person as he/she has better things in the world instead of staying  with you. 

I use to think why talking is only women's forte? Now I think do we really talk too much? So much so that if you live with a person for 3 days, on the 4th day the guy needs a break from you and fights back when you ask him to TALK ! 

He takes you to be a nonsensical chatter box and asks you to go and find some meaningful things to do in life as, as per him your mind is completely blank & has become a devil's workshop and instead of bothering him you should do something useful. Now how is one suppose to take it? Accept that her mind is a garbage box or should fight back? Does talking a lot means you have nothing better to do in life? So if I talk less with you or accept you in a non-talking mode, will that make me a very career-focused person ? Will that prove that I am doing all useful things in the world? Or does that leave you from the monotonous duty of conversing?  

Lets get down with the Second problem. Suppose x & y are in a relationship and the family doesnt know about their frequent meetings. The family doesnt know that the girl x comes and stays at the guy's place. However the family knows about the girl and are ok with her. 

Now comes a weekend when x makes the entire web of lies at her place and arrange being with y for 3 days. At the back of her mind she constantly fears the repercussions that may follow in the event of getting caught by her parents. But then she is so much in love with y that she handles all the hurdles and make it to his place. 

With the beaming happiness they meet and get lost in each other. 

However Y's sister who stays in the same city plans to come to his place due to some reasons. X loves being with his sister and totally enjoys her company. But she really doesnt want his sis to know bout her stay at Y's place as that might be considered inappropriate. Now even Y is in a fix. He wants X to stay but at the same time he wants to take care of his sis. X plans to leave as her stay isnt solving the purpose and is also giving trouble's to y's sis. X totally dies of guilt. She hates the fact that Y is in a fix because of her. He wants to meet his sis but because of X he isnt able to. Finally Y asks hi sister not to come and decided to stay with X. X is happy but deep inside she hates herself for what happened because of her. 

The next day Y's bro from US comes to meet him for a couple of hours. Technically X shouldn't have any problems with that but then the way the news was put in front of her she took a totally different view of the situation. Y gives a lot of solutions to the problem like "you too can come along.. there wont be any issue at all" or "you can plan to visit the mall where we'll be having dinner with friends and then do some tp and we can rejoin" But somehow something else was boiling up in her. 

She was loathing the entire game of hide n seek. She is kind of so so so sick of the entire deal. First she hid the real reason of her going to delhi, then she hid herself from Y's sister and now she is hiding from Y's brother ! This was giving her creeps that till when this all would continue? Till when she has to play this game and run away? Till when she cant come up open in front of the world about being with the person she loves the most in her life? Why she has to live like this.. lying hiding was no more fun or acceptable to her. So they fought. Particularly since she didnt have anyone to blame the situation on to, she blamed it on Y. She  burst-ed him with all the venom she had in herself. She knew inside that whatever is happening isnt Y's mistake and he has nothing in his control. She still fought and she knew she wasnt making any sense. The only solution to this problem is to get married. And somehow this solution cannot be accepted due to circumstances. But the anger in her has to be vented out. Although it wasn't correctly done as she didnt make any point at the end of the fight also she left a lot many threads which will lead to a couple of more fights. She never uses her anger in an optimum way. It gets wasted away and no purpose is met. 

Tidings

I remember a scene of the movie "Rangeela" where in Amir Khan in a hopeless effort of trying to propose a girl emphasizes on "Life mein na settle ho jane maangta hai... Life settle hogi toh sab settle ho jayega !"
With the deepest regret I hate this settling thing now.. This is actually unsettling, bewildering and above all amazingly kiboshing.

Its been so so soo many months after my last blog about life and the happenings around.
Probably after her demise I fear to introspect.. Probably I will then again go back into the same stage where I found myself absolutely lost after her. So in a way I keep reminding myself not to remind myself of something which needs to be forgotten.

People thing stability is the best things that could happen to one's life. In my case its totally opposite. I am hating the stability which this sarkari naukri is bringing in my life. I seriously want something unnerving always to happen which helps to me to look forward in life. Right now practically I have nothing to look forward to except for things like "Maj Joginder Singh needs his loan sanctioned on monday, Rangoli Garden builders have their meetings lined up with me, Sarita soni is shouting at the top of her voice for immediate disbursement and Ram Nath singh is waiting for his Pre sanction survey!!!"
These things forming a major part of my attention span primarily due to my giving 12 hrs to a job which demands only 9.. I dont feel like leaving the premises of the office untill my branch manager gives me an ultimatum to get the hell out of there as he too needs to go back home.
And probably there lies the difference... He wants  to go Home !
I wont go into the "why details" of the above statement, but would just say that after a while relationships can only be made nice and b'ful by staying apart. There comes an age when you just cant keep up with personalities you have lived with for 23yrs of your existence.

Latest development being my first cousin 2 yrs younger to me getting MARRIED!
Now this is kind of an achievement in Jaipur.. This entire marriage thing. Esp when in the entire generation your the only one who couldnt find a suitable match for yourself and your parents did it for you. There you stand chin up and proud executor of an arranged marriage. People look up to you as an example for their childer, who are probably dating girls since even before their puberty ! So here stand my cousin sister will all the panegyrics by her name and character.
Now all aunties would come to her parents and say "Bahut khuuuushi hui sunke... Magar aap apni badi beti
(that is me) ke liye kuch kyu nahin kar rahe... ??"
Almost my entire family is facing the exact same question from different uncles n aunties in the town.
So one fine day they blast at me with the same question and vigor !
And there I stand with my head hung !
I dont understand why going for an arranged marriage a thing to be proud of... It simply means that you are so desperate to get laid that whatever crap your parents put in front of you, you say a yes and get on with the thing. And people come congratulating which precisely means "Congratulations Mrs. XXXXX, your daughter has agreed to sleep with a guy of your choice... You must be so proud !" Damn you
I am sorry Mom Dad, I wont be giving you such pleasure !

Even after seeing the most disgusting things, I am still not totally against the institution of marriage. I do wish to get into this some day, so that firstly I dont have to lie to my parents abt useless 2 days training and friend's marriage.
Its a good thing to happen. I will be able to live life on my terms and with the person I love the most in the world. I want to be with him, wake him up in mornings, see his face before I see this moronic world. Make him eat the healthiest food, make a livable life with a good house and nice curtains ;). I miss him, I miss being with him. I lived the best moments of my life back then.
But I am not of the thought that this should happen ASAP. All good things take time to happen. Why cant we just roll with the time and stay at ease.
One of the biggest mistakes I did in my life was to get myself posted in Jaipur. My all miseries start with the fact that I am not living separately. I might have felt alone, but at the end of the day I would have been able to do things as per my whims. I wouldn't have been lying so much. Lying gives me migraine !

I am trying to get in touch with my friends. For a while I did slip into a non-interacting state, but now I need to get things back. Because I know, they are the only ones who have all the power to get me out of the deepest shit.

I miss Bhopal. I miss my life back then so much. I dont like this city Jaipur, I dont like the people here. I seem to be a changed person here. I use to be a happy child. Now I rant so much. I get stubborn with things I get angry over pity issues and I am not happy here. I dont like the way I have become. I want the old happy me. But I know this wont be possible in this city with these people around. Day and night I pray to God to get me transferred to some place closer to him. I hope he is listening and watching..

Thats all for this time I guess...I am signing off with a hope that my next post will be a happier one :)
Cya !

With or Without Her

First the Sankranti and then this Holi.... I am still not able to absorb the fact that she isnt around.. how can she be not around. How can she not make gur ka laddu for me.. How can she not ask me to play less awful Holi and make gujiya for me.

Its been 3 months since I last saw her alive and never in my dreams I thought that I could survive without her. The very thought of her absence didnt cross my mind even once. I thought that such a thing could never happen.. She is here to stay... With me for ever n ever. I still remember the dreadful day of 6th December when she just gave a 3 days notice (which I never realised) and left me all alone on 9th.

People say good that she didn't suffer for long... But then why did she love me so muc so that I suffer for all my life. I am a selfish person, I cant stay happy thinking of the moments I had spent with her.. I want more of her and her love. .
I was never this close to her since my childhood.. she in jaipur n I was in Bhopal/Hyd/Delhi.
But the last 2 yrs changed my entire life. My entire being revolved around her after I shifted to jaipur.
Never I thought that someone could actually every day call me up and ask if I have reached home.. I mean who does that ?
I use to fight n cry to bring her at my place .. in fact I use to wait for my turn ki kab mera turn aayega n she will com n stay with me.
She use to talk minimal.. but we use to have our gossip time at night. She use to talk abt everything.. I use to share everything with her.. No matter how silly it was. It was all so good with her around. I actually associated myself with being a Rajasthani because of her... The importance of every festival was because of her.

I still dont have a pic of hers in my room... probably because I am still living in the falsity that she is around... She is listening to me .. somewhere..

I was not able to believe my eyes when they bought her home and said she isnt anymore. I was dragged to her as I was stubborn that it isnt just true. Her body was cold... Her eyes were taken away as per her will.
She was draped in the saree I gave her just a month back saying she would look awesome in that and she hated me for wasting money on her.

I miss her... everyday.. everytime I visit her room... I dont go there now... I am somehow uncomfortable. I opened her wardrobe the other day... it so smells of her even today.. I miss gur ka laddu I miss her roti I miss her "roth"

Its good to at times live in illusions... she is with me and always be around.. She cant betray me...

I just cant do without her. 

Weakness in me...

I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love 
But to you, I give my affection, right from the start. 
I have a lover who loves me - how could I break such a heart? 
Yet still you get my attention. 

Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? 
Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone? 
And make me lie when I don't want to, 
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool? 
Make me stay when I should not? 
If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me. 
Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by? 
I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly. 

Feeling guilty, 
And I'm worried, and I'm waking from a tormented sleep 
'Cause this old love, you know it has me bound, 
But this new love cuts so deep. 
If I choose now, I'm bound to lose out; 
One of you is gonna have to fall... 
I need you, baby. 

This song totally belongs to me :)

Nothing

There are things which I cant do anything about... but I just loathe them... and then I start hating people who do them...
I dont want to hate you... but whatever your doing isnt liked by me... so I hate you :p
I shudnt be like this :(